The Differences between men and women

There are many differences between men and women. It's talked about and written about all the time. But how can the differences between men and women strengthen our lives, rather than cause upsets? Is there a way to understand the difference between men and women so we use them as a source of positive interactions rather than quarrels and misunderstandings?

Alison Armstrong  has spent years interviewing thousands of men in order to understand how they differ.  She did this as a way to find the right man for herself because until then she'd had several failed relationships. What came about was an entire of courses, workshops, books and dvd's devoted to educating both sexes on the differences between them and how they can learn to have stronger relationships because of these differences. Two of my favorites are:

Making Sense of Men: A Woman's Guide to a Lifetime of Love, Care and Attention from All Men, and Understanding Women: Unlock the Mystery.

These books, or audio courses, help both genders understand how we differ and how to navigate healthy and happy relationships.

What I've learned is these differences hold true for all relationships.  Whether it's with our children, our spouses,our friends.....

And even our co-workers.  

When you take the time to learn about the differences, you'll gain an understanding of what drives a person.  In situations where you once were baffled, or even upset by their actions, you now have a different point of view.  If you're a woman, you suddenly realize your co-worker was focusing on what he considered the most important aspect of the project, rather than ignoring your input.  Or you might realize your husband wasn't ignoring you on your drive to the restaurant, but because of the way his brain differs from a woman's, he was focusing on driving you both there safely. While his focus is on the aspect or driving and finding the restaurant, it can be difficult for him to carry on small talk.  This is not good or bad, it's how the male and female brain differ.

What guys need to understand about women, is when we're overwhelmed, many times we only want to vent for a moment.  We just need to get it out.  We're not looking for you to fix it.  Most times you can relax without feeling you're responsible for making it better or coming up with a solution to the problem. There are times when we only want someone to listen..  This takes the pressure off the guy to make us happy. He doesn't need to try and come up with ways for us to cope with an issue. Yes, there are times when we need your input and advice. But most times, we don't.  This gives you the opportunity to be supportive by listening while the pressure is off of you.

Women have what is known as "diffuse focus", which allows us to focus on more than one thing, whereas the male brain is wired to focus on only one thing at a time. This is referred to as "single focus".   Women are meant to have children.  Throughout history, we've been the caregivers. It's more inline with our natures.  Men were the hunters and providers.  They need to be able to focus on only one thing at at time - catching the prey.  Women on the other hand, have typically raised the children, gathered the herbs, vegetables, etc for the meals. Even though our roles have greatly evolved over the years, evolution hasn't caught up yet.  It takes millions of years for the body to change and adapt.   As a result, women still have brains that can more naturally pay attention to more than one thing at a time, while men's brains have a harder time of it.  So women, before you start getting impatient with your male partner over his inability to pay attention to more than one thing at a time, recognize how challenging it must be for him to have to deal with our "over thinking" most things. With the capacity to focus on more than one thing at a time, our brains can really get going and think too much many times.  It's up to both sexes to have more acceptance for how we differ from one another. Because of how we differ, we actually enrich each others' lives, instead of making them miserable.

If, as men and women, we take the time to have a better understanding on how the opposite sex is wired, both mentally and emotionally, we gain a valuable asset in knowing how to communicate with them.  We also learn how to improve our relationships by addressing exactly what the issue between us is.  When we understand how the opposite sex thinks or feels, many times the issues don't even come up because we realize they weren't an issue in the first place.

If we can recognize that everyone we know is doing the best they can, given their own set of circumstances, and that the differences between men and women are just that - different ways of moving through life, we stand to bring more compassion and acceptance into the world.  When people speak of world peace, this is where it begins - with each individual doing their part in learning to understand and have compassion for others.  I encourage you to take the time to learn about the differences between men and women.  Once I did, it completely changed how I viewed the opposite sex.

To identify and release any blocks you have to fully valuing yourself, book a complimentary call.  We'll discuss your goals and how you can let go of what blocks you.

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063

Choose Happiness

You have a choice.  Believe it or not, you do.  If you want to be happy, you first have to make the decision to choose happiness.

The first step in any process of change or action, is making the decision.  If you want happiness, then make the decision to have it. Before you can do anything in life, there needs to be the conscious decision it's what you want. Once you've made the decision, you move into action. Action is taking the necessary steps to reach your desired goal. 

Choose Happiness - How your commitment makes a difference

Once you decide to be happy, in order to achieve success, you need to be 100% committed to it. Your whole being needs to resonate with that choice.  If not, your results will be diminished.  Yes, you can have some happiness, but the road to it will be more difficult if you're not entirely aligned with it.

If you aren't in alignment with what you want, there's resistance in you.  Our bodies and minds want to feel peaceful and in alignment with what's true for us.  Whether it's a conscious, or subconscious resistance, it dramatically affects what we can accomplish.  What are your truths? Your actual truths. Not the truths your mind came up with as a means to protect you.  These aren't truths, they're beliefs. If your beliefs don't match the idea of having in your life, then the amount of happiness you achieve, is created by whatever you hold in your subconscious.

Common beliefs that get in the way of your ability to choose happiness

So what are some of the more common beliefs that hamper a person's happiness? 

Here are a few:

1. Life is hard
2. Life is tough
3. Everyone I know is miserable, why should I think I'm any different?
4. I don't deserve to be happy because........ (Here is where guilt or shame come in from past behaviors or actions we've taken)
5. I can't be happy until I have, achieve, or accomplish......

The belief that our happiness depends on what we acquire, achieve, or accomplish fools us into believing we can't just be happy because we're alive.  Any of the above beliefs can keep you from having happiness. It's our attitude that determines if we're going to be happy or not.  If you want to be happy, you need to identify any beliefs you have getting in the way of your happiness. Then do the work to change or release them. 

There's a great story about 2 little boys.  They were each put into a room filled with manure. After about 30 minutes, the adults opened the door to the one of the rooms. Forlornly sitting in the corner was the first boy.  He was downcast. When they asked him why, he replied, "There's all of this manure and it's awful. I'm having a horrible time." They then went to the second room.  When they opened the door they discovered the other boy joyfully laughing and digging through the manure. They were astonished. When they asked him why he was so happy, his reply was, "With all this poop, there's bound to be a pony under here somewhere!"

The moral of the story is, you can choose to be positive, or negative.  Recognize that it's up to you to change your attitude and to choose happiness.  There are steps to take that can help this process along. But the very first part is making the decision.  Decide what you'll choose.

If you want to learn about ways you can increase your happiness, book a complimentary call to see if I can be of service.  You can ask any questions you have about the work I do and how it can help you.

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 
(805) 265-9063

Want an exciting, successful life?

How do you create an exciting, successful life?   Change your beliefs!

Beliefs, whether conscious or not, affect how we move through life.  It's the intentions we hold within our subconscious minds that determine how we approach life. If you want an exciting, fulfilling life, your beliefs have to match up with your intentions.  There's no way around it. Our subconscious beliefs determine our quality of life and the outcomes we manifest.

Successful people hold positive ways of thinking and beliefs in their minds.  Their "belief system" supports them in moving through life with a purpose and with the knowledge they can succeed at whatever they attempt.

The person who is not so fortunate in life, tends to view life as if it’s ‘being done to them” and that they have very little control over the outcome. This is an understandable view in many cases -particularly if the person has had hardships early in their life.

Where did these beliefs come from?

Our early life impacts us on very deep levels.  If our childhood was difficult or traumatic, the decisions we make tell us "life is hard", or "no one in my family gets ahead".  This then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Someone with this belief doesn't usually take advantage of opportunities which present themselves.  Because they have the belief that "Life is hard", they discount an opportunity because it couldn't possibly work out if it wasn't difficult. Many times, they don't even notice the opportunity.  It's as if they have blinders on.

When you discover and release any of these underlying negative beliefs, your outlook changes, along with your life.  You develop more clarity and can see a clearer path towards your desired outcomes.

When we experience situations or events in our lives, we make a decision about what they mean. We assign a ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ meaning to the event. This is done as a way to avoid future upsets or even dangers.  Depending on prior experiences in life, our decision are based on, and tempered by former decisions we assigned to similar situations. As these similar types of situations repeat and build upon themselves, they reinforce our original belief.  Whether it's factual or not, it becomes more and more ingrained.

Situations that occurred at an early age in our lives are judged by an immature brain. This brain doesn't have access to the logical brain.  Because of this, the decisions we made at that point in our lives, aren't necessarily true for us as adults.  It's for this very reason you want to go back and reassess past events.  From your adult self, you have the option to decide if these beliefs still hold true.  If they don't, you can now get rid of them.

Where do I start?

One way to identify any negative, or limiting beliefs is to think back to the messages you heard from your parents while you were growing up.  Things like, "It's impossible to get ahead", or "There's never enough time".  Then take a look at your life and see whether or not you've found yourself living out these messages.  If you are, then there's  a pretty good chance you hold those beliefs as true, somewhere in your subconscious.

Another reason to take a look at past events, especially the painful ones, is we tend to experience the  “like attracts like” effect.  We continue attracting more of the same into our lives. Until we can shift our perspective, we aren’t able to avoid these reoccurring patterns.

When you go back and release the emotional charges associated with a past emotional event or trauma, you change how you view present day events.  Instead of approaching situations from the stand point of being ‘the victim’ with no control of your own reactions, you actually view them with clarity.  You're  more present and you have a choice in how you react.

When you do this type of healing work, your response is made from a stronger and clearer place. Consequently, your reactions change, how you approach life changes, and you're planted firmly on the path to success and happiness. Because of your updated beliefs, you're naturally filled with more ease and can create an exciting, successful life.

I encourage you to look at what no longer works for you.  Decide to choose success.  Then have the courage to look at the beliefs holding you back. They only stand in the way of you becoming the absolute best version of yourself.
                                                             

If you're ready to take your life to the next level, book a complimentary call to see if I can be of service.  You can ask any questions you have and we'll determine if we're a mutual fit. 

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063
Santa Barbara, CA 93101

Let go of old emotions to find happiness

If you find yourself unhappy more of the time than you'd like, the culprit might be old emotions you haven't resolved.  If you want more happiness, it's important to let go of old emotions. These can be regrets, disappointment, or anger.  Any negative emotion that continues to roll around in your mind, over and over again isn't healthy for your well-being.  

Sometimes you're not even aware to the extent you've been holding on to these old hurts.  You might have decided to just "move one" from a hurtful exchange or experience without completely processing the hurt or disappointment you suffered.  This is usually the typical way of dealing with pain.  We're told to "get over it", "man up", or "stop whining".  But when something hurts us deeply, it isn't always easy to just let it go.  Yes, we might move on in our life, but the hurt is still stored in our body and our cells.

Any unresolved emotion stays in our body until we're able to process it.  These emotions can eat  away at our peace of mind even causing depression.  They've also been shown to impact our health negatively.  All great reasons to explore any emotions we might be holding on to.

So, if  you aren't sure if you've completely let go of a past incident, or the accompanying emotions, you might want to explore them further.  But, how do you identify them?  One way is to write about it.   Sit down and compose a letter or email to the person, telling them how you felt.  Or you could write an email to a friend you'd consider telling this to.  You don't need to send the email, but compose it as if you were going to.  Just writing about it can help bring up any emotions you're still storing.  

As you write, see if any emotions do come up.  If so, take note of them.  You can write them down on a separate piece of paper to work with later. A second way would be to talk to a friend about what happened. As the emotions surface, again, take note of them so they can be resolved.

Another way to process past hurts or emotions, is to use EFT, the Emotional Freedom Technique, or Faster EFT.  Both methods go right to the core of the problem and help dismantle and dissolve them. To use EFT, you identify the issue and then you talk through the emotions as you tapt. Any remaining emotions generally pop up, even ones you weren't aware of. You might already know what some of them are, but didn't realize they still feel as intense as they do  This means they're still active and need to be dealt with.  Any time negative emotions are felt, EFT is an excellent way to lower their intensity and get rid of them completely. 

Sign up to receive a free EFT Tapping Chart with directions

Below I've given some examples for using standard EFT tapping for releasing old emotions.  This is a general overview. The most success is achieved by being specific to your circumstances. The more specific, the better the result.

Beginning with the setup phrase, - which states the problem, tap on the karate point  while saying 

the following phrases:

Even though I have these unresolved feelings about ...... (insert a name or event), I know my feelings are valid.

Even though I was hurt over this incident, I accept myself and have decided it's time to let these emotions go

Even though I suffered from this, I honor my feelings and I'm letting them go for my own good.


Now for the tapping rounds.  Tap on each point below while saying the accompanying phrases:

Eyebrow: All of this hurt and these unresolved feelings
Side of the eye: I'd like to let them go
Under the eye: I'm not sure I can, or that I want to
Under the nose:  I know these emotions aren't good for me. Maybe it's time I considered letting them go
Collarbone:  All these remaining feelings. It's time to let them go
Under the arm:  I'm letting them go because my happiness and health are worth it
Liver point:  All these emotions. They're moving out of my body now
Top of the head: All these old emotions. I'm letting them go and that feels right. 

If you feel resistance as you tap, you can do another round with phrases such as, "I really don't want to let them go. I was hurt very badly. I was disappointed and I don't want to let them go.  But a part of me knows I'm better off getting rid of them.  Maybe I can let them go a little at a time.  Maybe I can let them move out gently ."

After doing these rounds, you should feel some relief.  If you do find extreme resistance, it might be something you'd want to work on with an EFT professional.  Many times it's easier for an outsider to help sort out and resolve challenging emotions, Especially if they've been there for awhile.

Once you've felt some relief, it's time to go to the next round:

Eyebrow: Now that I'm feeling some relief, I choose to let all of these feelings go completely
Side of eye: It's time to let them all go and I choose to do that now.  I'm letting all of these old, unneeded emotions go and that feels great.
Under eye: All of these emotions.  I'm grateful I discovered them and that they've moving out.
Under nose: Any remaining emotions - they're moving out now.
Collarbone:  I now choose to allow happiness into my body
Under arm: I'm letting in happiness and contentment
Liver point: I choose to feel relief and happiness and I allow those feelings to build within me
Top of head: These feelings of happiness.They're building in me now and that feels right.

By adding in a round of gratitude and positive emotions, it helps to bring in patterns of happiness and contentment.  Once you practice these patterns of allowing in happiness, it's easier to experience them. You'll find yourself noticing them more and more. 

Eyebrow: I'm so grateful I finally let these feelings go
Side of eye: Now that I've let them go,  I have more room for happiness and contentment
Under eye: I choose to feel more gratitude, happiness, and contentment
Under nose: I'm grateful for the ease I'm feeling
Collarbone: I'm letting in happiness
Under arm: I'm letting in contentment
Liver point: I'm feeling better already
Top of head: I choose happiness, contentment, and gratitude


It's normal to feel emotions. The idea here is to experience them, process them, and then let them go so you can move forward in your life with ease and happiness.  

                               

To identify and release any blocks you have to finding happiness, book a complimentary call.  We can discuss your goals.  You can ask any questions you have and we'll see if we're a mutual fit. 

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063

Santa Barbara, CA 93101