Growth In Relationships

Growth in relationships is inevitable.  It it doesn't happen, the relationship can grow stale and even fall apart. 


Every relationship we have is a vehicle for growth and change.  The little "Challenges" and arguments give you the opportunity to explore areas of your life and yourself, where you can address old wounds and emotional beliefs that no longer serve you.  By doing this, you're given the opportunity for growth and healing.

If you don't grow, there's a risk any relationship will eventually end. When someone isn't able to move beyond past emotional hurts, resentment builds up.  This resentment, over time, erodes any relationship.  As a means to endure, and as a survival mechanism, we tend to shut down our emotions.  But when you do, you also shut down your ability to feel joy and love as well.

Growth in Marriage = Growth in Self

All we grow up, we're presented with difficulties and challenges.  It's part of life and the maturation process. These difficulties cause us to make decisions about other people and life in general. The decisions are made in an effort to keep us safe.  "This person is safe.  That person is scary", etc.   As a species, we're meant to survive. These decisions help us know and identify situations or people who can be threatening to us.   We then go about trying to avoid future encounters with someone or something that represents a similar danger.
The problem with these decisions, is they're usually made at a young age - before we have the ability to apply logical thinking. Logical thinking hasn't developed at an early age.  When we're young, the brain is functioning in "survival mode"  So something that appears scary to a 3 yr old, wouldn't necessarily bother an adult.  Unfortunately, fear goes very deeply into the brain and the decision-making process.  It represents a true danger to survival.  As we mature, this deep fear doesn't go away.  It's buried in the subconscious mind until a similar situation arises.  This is what's referred to as "being triggered".  It doesn't have to be something that's equally as frightening.  It just has to be something similar in nature.  When this happens, the old feelings of terror emerge and the person reacts to the present situation as if it's the original one.
As you go through life, you can be hurt, emotionally by another person. All of these little hurts and encounters are recorded in your subconscious.  When someone you're in a relationship with does something that represents one of these past dangers or hurts, the past memory is activated, unconsciously, and you can react - not always appropriate to the situation.  The other person has "pushed your buttons".

When this happens, our reaction many times is much more intense than the situation calls for. But what can you do about it?  Are you stuck with an instinctual "knee jerk" reaction?  One that possibly can do damage to your current relationship?  Or do you have a choice?
The answer is "yes, you do have a choice".  You can choose to examine whether or not your reaction was appropriate to the situation.  You can choose to not let your reaction cause damage to the marriage or relationship.  You can also pull your partner aside, in a calmer moment and ask them to share their experience of what happened.  You can gain enormous insights into how you react from another person's perspective.
Once you have these insights, you can go to work on examining and healing any past events or beliefs that get in the way of maintaining love and security within, not only your marriage, but within yourself.
While not always easy, it will benefit not only you in the growth you achieve, but also all of the relationships in your life.  When you  do the work of letting go of past hurts, fears, and upsets, you'll feel an amazing sense of calm in your life.  The growth in yourself, as well as the growth in your marriage is the reward.

Surrender to the process

When you stop to see how disagreements in any of your relationships are an opportunity to see something from another perspective and to examine whether or not there are past hurts you'd like to let go of - once and for all, it becomes easier to surrender to the process. When you do, you welcome in growth, happiness, and a sense of calm to your life. 
For an excellent book on understanding and learning to successfully navigate through your romantic relationships, check out: Be Loved For Who You Really Are  The book covers all of the stages of love, from Stage 1, falling in love, through the more challenging aspects.  The authors discuss ways to navigate through them and arrive at Stage 4, which is the same level of joy and excitement you had during the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship, except now you have a broader sense of acceptance and maturity, and are able to stay in the "honeymoon" phase. 
To your happiness......Sumi

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Change Your Mind To Change Your Life


You underlying beliefs run your life 

The biggest block that stands in the way of you receiving what you want, are your beliefs.  These are what drive all of your actions.  

They’ve been called Limiting Beliefs and Negative Beliefs.  But all they are, in their simplest form, are the beliefs your mind came up with as a way to make sense of the world and all that you’ve experienced.  

If you want change, change the beliefs that don’t support you

This might sound overly simple, but it’s true.  Once you change how you view life, situations, yourself, or the world, your entire life will change.  Simple, yet not always easy.  However, it is doable!  And you can do it in a methodical way.

Your mind is only doing its job to keep you safe

Listen, this isn’t a diabolical plot to hold you back.  Our bodies and our minds are geared towards helping us - not hurting us or holding us back.  We are completely geared towards survival, so any belief we came up with was done as a way to make sense of the world and to just survive.  

But here’s the catch.  When our minds came up with the most basic, or core beliefs that we hold, they were made at a time when our brains were still quite immature.  The logical part of our brain, which would tell us that the shadow in the corner isn’t a scary monster, but actually our jacket  hanging on the chair, wasn’t developed or available to us in our early years. 

Because of this, the decisions we made, (and consequent the beliefs we came up with), aren’t always valuable or even true in our adult lives.  They were valid then, in their own way, but they can get in the way in your current life.

What you can do to create change

So, what can you do?  You can start by finding out what your key, driving beliefs are. They aren’t always obvious, but are strongly held in your subconscious - and they are “running the show”.  Some of these beliefs are, “Play it safe”, “Don’t stick out or shine”, “Be careful, you might fail”.   They tell you to stay safe because this is what they're designed to do.  It's their job.  
Except, if what you want is a full and fulfilling life, one filled with joy and success, you need to examine whether or not these beliefs are helping you, or hindering you. If they fall into the latter category, it’s time to let them go.

How to examine the beliefs that get in your way

There are several ways to discover what your beliefs are.  To begin the process, take some time to sit and think through the following questions. And as you do, it’s helpful to write down any insights or memories that come up.  These are roadways into what your beliefs are, or could be.  It’s a journey and a very informational one that gives you the insights you need.
1. Ask yourself what the phrases or statements you heard your parents, family, or friends say as you were growing up.  This has a real impact on how you view the world. You’d be surprised at how much these statements can take hold and even become a part of your identity.  If you think about it, it makes sense.  As children we naturally trust our caregivers and those around us to show us the way, and to take care of us.  With our parents in this position, we believe everything we're told or shown.
But here’s the hitch.  Your parents or caregivers are repeating what they heard or learned from their parents.  Many times people don’t examine what they’re told and just go along with it as if it’s gospel.  But this isn’t always the case.  In fact, most times it’s not.  They repeated these statements as a way to help you because it's what they believed.  But not all of those statements empower you or encourage you to be your best self. 
2.  What experiences did you have growing up?  Were they challenging or traumatic?  If they were, then your view of the world could be, “Life is difficult”, “The world isn’t safe”, “Other people aren’t safe”, just to name a few. 

Your experiences shape your life 

What you’ve lived through has shaped your life and how you express yourself in it.  Our experiences actually change how each of our brain develops, and continues to develop.  Studies on the brain by Niall Duncan showed how the brain is affected by adverse childhood experiences.  

As stated in an article in The US Library of Medicine, National Institutes of health, "Research in humans and animals has shown that negative childhood experiences (NCE) can have long-term effects on the structure and function of the brain. Alterations have been noted in grey and white matter, in the brain’s resting state, on the glutamatergic system, and on neural and behavioural responses to aversive stimuli."   
The study and implementation of Neuroplasticity now shows how our brains can be changed and rewired in positive ways. 

Change your view of life 

Instead of viewing your experiences as negative, which many of them might have been, try viewing them from a position that empowers you.  Look at them as,  “How can I move past this, let it go, and learn something valuable from it?”  Because everything you’ve gone through has brought you to where you are today.  And because of this, you have a unique understanding of something another person wouldn’t have.  You can actually use this understanding to help others, or even to just help yourself by holding more compassion for yourself.  But it does tend to give you a deeper appreciation of what other people are struggling with.  When you go through a difficult challenge, it helps you to hold compassion for other people who are also struggling.  It makes you more human.
3. What “examples” did you see growing up?  What did the people in your life do, feel about certain things, or how did they express themselves?  As you grow up, your brain learns by example and by viewing others. All of this, even when unspoken, also has impact on how we view life and the world in general.  
4. Another way to find out what beliefs are running in the background of your life, is to stand back and look at your life. 
  • Is your life easy? 
  • Do you struggle with money, relationships, or confidence? 
  • Do things come to you easily, or do you find that everything is an uphill battle? 
  • What is present in your life is formed by your internal beliefs.
Objectively looking at your life will give you valuable clues to what you might want to change or keep.  They're all indications of what your subconscious mind believes.  The good news here though, is that you can change what you believe, and consequently, vastly impact your life in positive ways. 


Release the beliefs that no longer serve you

Once you’ve written down any memories, events, or statements from your past, you can then start to examine what your limiting beliefs might be.  You might know some of them right off the bat.  But, if you don’t, ask yourself, “What might be the belief be that I came away with from this.......(example, experience, or statement)?  
For instance, if your parents struggled with money, some normal, common beliefs would be:
  • Money is hard to come by
  • Life is a struggle
  • I never have enough for what I need
  • You have to work hard to make money
  • I’m not worthy
These are just a few examples of beliefs that would be tied to a similar home situation.  Each person is individual in what their particular mind comes up with.  What your mind creates won’t be the exact same as another person, so honor whatever it is you feel or discover.  This is important because it’s truly honoring and respecting who you are and what you need to look at in order to make improvements in your life.  
The more precise you can be, the better because then you have a better understanding of what drives you.  This is a fascinating process, and it doesn’t have to be challenging.  The best way to do this is to find techniques which support the process in being simple and easy.  You don’t need to struggle or suffer in order to create great change in your life.  I feel fortunate that I’ve been able to learn ways which help create change in simpler, easier ways.  There are numerous techniques that anyone can learn and use, either with a professional or on their own.  
When you support yourself by approaching your beliefs in this way, change is inspiring - not scary or challenging. 

The final step - Create new positive beliefs 

When you know what the limiting beliefs are, you have the information to change them to more positive and empowering beliefs.  A belief such as, "Life is a struggle" could be changed to "My life is effortless and I move through the world with ease". 
The sky's the limit with what you can create in your life.  Be daring, experiment, and then do the work to come into full alignment with your new, positive beliefs.  

If you're having trouble with any of the above steps, I offer a 20-minute free consultation to discuss any changes you'd like to make or goals you want to reach.  Having an outside perspective helps give you a clearer view of what steps to take, or blocks your success.

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Balance In Relationships

To have harmony and ultimately happiness, it's important to have balance in relationships.  All of your relationships.  Whether it's friendships, marriages, or even work relationships, balance is important.


Balance in Relationships

Many people don't think about balance.  It's not always something that comes naturally.  Because the human brain is designed to be efficient, it makes decisions about whatever we experience.  These can be  events, people, relationships, really anything.  The brain then places these into categories.  This is true of objects, people, or relationships. Once the brain has made this decision, it goes about relating to the person, object, etc, in the same manner each time.  It's meant as a way to simplify life.  So, why is this a problem?

How the Brain Can Undermine The Balance in Relationships


How does this relate to balance?  Because the brain is being efficient, it  has a set way of viewing things.  Once your brain has categorized a relationship, it takes a lot to change this opinion.  It takes effort to consciously change how you view a certain relationship and the balance within it.  It's much easier to have placed the object, relationship, etc into a category and then relate to it in the same manner each time.  It's more efficient.  But it can take a toll on you or your interactions with people.

How does efficiency impact a friendship?

How this impacts relationships is,  if you have a friend who always seems to have problems or disasters in their life and you rush in to help out - lending emotional support or any other kind of support, their brain categorizes you as "the helper, saver, or person to turn to, in disasters."  They can unconsciously view you as the person they go to when they have a problem.  If they aren't  aware of the brain's tendency to categorize, they view you in only one way - the receive, you give.  The relationship then becomes unbalanced. Whenever you need support, they don't seem to be there.  They might not step in to help.  It's as if they have blinders on and can't comprehend your need for support or help.
This type of relating can happen on either end.  In some instances, you might be the helper, and in other relationships, you might find you lean on someone you know.  While it's great to have emotional support, it needs to be done in balanced ways.
Generally speaking though, people tend to stay in the same category with all of their relationships.  If you tend to be "the giver", then you're most likely "the giver" in all your relationships - from work to home.  You generally give to everyone you know.

But this takes a toll on you.  You don't receive the support or nurturing that's important to everyone.  While giving is an honorable thing to do, it isn’t fair if that's all you do.  It isn’t fair to you, and ultimately, it isn't actually fair to the other person.  When you act in a balanced way and expect others to do the same, you're giving them the opportunity to grow as a person.  To relate to you in a fair and balanced way.  The relationship only grows stronger because of it.  If not, resentments build and the relationship begins to deteriorate.

When you're able to give as well as receive, you feel more balanced.  It gives you a feeling of completeness because you're acting in a way which is more holistic to the human emotions.

You Have a Choice 

The good news is, now that you know how our brains function, you can make a conscious decision about all of your relationships.  You have a choice.  You can make the choice to have balanced relationships in all areas of your life. Not only will you feel much better and lightweight, but you'll also feel personally empowered.  Your relationships will grow and thrive. 

Change Isn't Always Easy - For both sides


You might've decided to go ahead and make changes.  However, some people might resist this change.  Remember, our brains like to be efficient.  They're just doing the job they were created to do.  But when you decide to change course, even when it's for the better, you'll be rocking the boat - even a little.  It can come as a surprise to other people.  They've been relating to you in a certain light and now suddenly you've changed.  They might not all react in a positive way.
That's okay.  Do it anyway.  You can do it gently, but firmly.  By doing this, you're empowering them to be better and happier people - with healthier, more balanced interactions.  You're giving them the opportunity to participate in  healthy, alive, and thriving relationships.  When you demonstrate  balance in your relationships, you're giving a powerful example.  They then have the choice to participate in the same way. 
As Mahatma Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world."  Lead by example. Dare to take the first step in your happiness and the happiness in all of your relationships. 
To discover ways in which you can create balance in your life contact me to book a complimentary call.  We'll discuss how I can be of service to you.

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Santa Barbara, CA 93101

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Take Action and Be Willing To Make Mistakes

To live a full and vibrant life you have to be willing to take action.  Take action and be willing to make mistakes.

You're going to make mistakes - It's part of the game

Anything worth doing comes with mistakes.  You can’t do anything great if you aren’t willing to push the envelope at least a little in what you’re capable of doing.  If you play it safe and only do what you’re good at, it’s boring.  You don’t challenge yourself to see exactly what you can do in life and you certainly don’t grow as a person.

Take a chance.  When an idea comes to you, go with it.  Explore the possibilities.  At least learn what you can about it - the process, the ups and downs of doing it.  Only then can you make a conscious decision if it’s something you want to pursue.

What will your life be like in 5 yrs if you don't take a chance?

Think of this.  If you don’t try anything new or step outside your comfort zone, what will your life be like in say 3 yrs?  What about 5 yrs?  Does the picture look promising?  Be hones with yourself.

Life is for living.  For putting yourself into what you do, full force and with passion.  I don’t care if you’re outside raking the leaves. Engage in it and enjoy what you can about it.  Find the bright side to it and let yourself drop into that.  It could be:
1. You’re exercising
2. It’s a beautiful, breezy day (if you like breezes)
3. You’re making your place look better.  It feels great to have a neat yard.

Whatever it is, whatever you’re doing, find a way to make if fun, or at least enjoy some aspect of it.  If you cant, DON’T do it!  Find a way to put the fun into all of your efforts.  If you can’t find anything that’s fun, maybe you need a reality check on how you view things.

There's nothing wrong with reality checks

We sometimes need a wake up call to show us where we’re just coasting - not reaching our full potential.  Sometimes life pulls you off course and you don’t notice you’ve fallen into a kind of rut.  It’s easy to fall into the same kind of thought patterns.  It happens.  Not a big deal. Find a way to get back on course.  Read something inspirational.  Take a course. Hire a coach.  Do whatever it takes to get back in the game - full out with all of you engaged.  You might even consider implementing ways to do a check on your thoughts, moods, and actions from time to time.  

Do what works for you

The best thing you can do for yourself is to set up a strong system that supports your success.  A system that keeps you in alignment with your strengths, abilities, and creativity.  What you bring to the world is important and makes a difference for everyone around you.  Find what works for you and then do it, courageously.

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Choose Wisely The People You Surround Yourself With

The people in your inner circle, the ones closest to you, have a profound effect on you.  Your success, your mood, and the choices you make in life.  Because of this, be discerning.  Choose wisely.

Do your friends root you on?

How do your friends respond to your successes, setbacks, or when you tell them about a goal you're going for?  Do they root you on, say they believe in you, or if you've had a setback, tell you that you'll do better next time?  

Or do they:
  • Point out where you're going to fail?
  • Tell you they never thought it was a good idea to begin with
  • List all the reasons why you shouldn't do it
  • Do they feel compelled to tell you every way imaginable the ways in which it could go wrong?
Someone giving (asked for), and constructive criticism is different than a person being critical or closed-minded towards a new idea or venture.  Don't mistake the two.  The person who's in your corner is giving you constructive ways to look at something.  Someone who's criticizing you is just pointing out everything you're doing wrong - in their eyes. 

Choose wisely so you're inspired by the people around you - it helps!

When the people around you are going for their own goals, pursuing their dreams or passions, it can be motivating.  Sure, sometimes we look at someone and think, "Gee, I wish my life was going as well.", especially if you're going through a rough patch.  But in the end, it demonstrates what's possible.

It's also a great example for you. What can you learn from their effort, their courage in pursuing what they want, and the steps they've taken?  It's easier to follow another person's example of how they've been able to follow through, or dealt with challenges, than it is if you didn't have this example.

The best friends are the ones who support you, but who also call you on your stuff

There's nothing more valuable than a person who (lovingly) tells you where you're not living your full potential.  Not someone who criticizes you, but someone who says," Hey, what's going on with you?  I know you're capable of doing better."  And if you're going through a challenging time, they're willing to listen and let you talk it through.  

Choose wisely - it makes a difference

Choose wisely.  The best friends are the ones who celebrate your success, believe in you as a person, and help you get back on your feet when life knocks you down.  Accept nothing less in your life.

Book a complimentary call to learn discuss ways to release any blocks that stand in your way.

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Your Life Experiences - It's Your Choice To Decide What You Do With Them

In life we're presented will all sorts of situations, relationships, and challenges.  How you react to them, what you take away from them in terms of life lessons, is entirely up to you.

It's Your Choice Drip

It's Your Choice 

Will you let them mold you in ways that don't benefit you?  Will you allow them to create a smaller version of yourself?  Or will you decide they don't define you and you'll do what it takes to learn from them and rise above them?  It's your choice.  The decision, while not always an easy one, is up to you.

Choose to view your challenging situations as a learning tool for yourself


Part 1 - Acknowledge exactly where you're at.  What are you feeling?  Disillusioned, depressed, angry, or rejected?  There all kinds of valid emotions that come up when we're faced with a challenging situation or relationship.  Any emotion you feel is valid.  Right here, right now, realize that, and if your tendency is to downplay how you feel, stop it.  If you pretend you aren't feeling what you're experiencing, you lower your ability to effectively deal with what's going on and to let go of it once and for all.  Don't do that to yourself.

But what if my emotions feel too intense?

There's a reason people avoid their emotions.  Our emotional responses can be intense. It's a valid concern because most of us were never taught how to quickly and effectively deal with our emotions.  This is where EFT, or The Emotional Freedom Technique comes in.  I use this technique with my clients, along with a combination of FasterEFT and Ask & Receive as a way to completely collapse the intensity.  This way the client is able to quickly move into a place of empowerment, choice, and taking action.  They've dismantled the hold these emotions have over them and they're able to think and react from a better place.

When you drop into a calmer state, you can objectively step back and decide what, if anything you can take away from the situation.  You're given the opportunity to make choices that are in your best interest and that keep you from feeling stuck in any situation.  Give yourself this gift - the gift of being able to accurately assess where you're at without getting caught up in overwhelm. Then make the decisions or choices that are best for you.

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Let Go of Past Mistakes and The Hold They Have On You

Hanging on to past mistakes only slows you down.  If you focus on past mistakes, it keeps you from moving forward with ease and from accomplishing what you want. 

let go of past mistakes

You make mistakes when you take a chance on growth 

If you aren't making mistakes, you're playing it safe.  You aren't pushing yourself to be the best you can be.  Part of growing as a person, is taking a chance and making mistakes.  You have to take calculated risks to see what you can achieve in life.  When you make a mistake, realize you need to look at another avenue.  That's all a mistake is.  Tell yourself, "I went this way.  It didn't work out. Regroup and change direction or change tactics."  

Mistakes don't define you - They inform  you

So you tried something and it didn't work out.  Good for you for having the courage to try.  Now take an objective look at it and see what you can learn from the results.  Where can you  make tweaks? Do you need to scrap the whole project or goal?  Is it something that can work out with some changes? As you look at ways of changing it, or moving on, you learn what works for you and what doesn't. This way you don't have to repeat the same mistake.

Put your focus on moving forward - Not staying in the past

Once you've decided what changes you need to make, let go of the mistake!  Don't keep going over it again and again.  And do NOT beat yourself up for having made a mistake.  

From a logical approach, realize staying stuck in an emotional tape loop causes you to become afraid of trying anything else.  It also zaps you of your energy and enthusiasm.  Ask yourself - "Is this the best use of my time and my thought process?  Or am I better served by learning to let it go, forgiving myself, and focusing on how I want to proceed from here?"  

You'll realize your time and effort is much more productive by letting go of any need to beat yourself up over it.  Beating yourself up is:

  • Not going to motivate you
  • Not going to keep you from making other mistakes because that's how you learn
  • Not going to create enthusiasm for any other projects you want to do
What it will do is keep you stuck in one place and prevent you from moving forward.  It can stop you dead in your tracks from accomplishing what you want to do in life.  Is that really in your best interest?

Do what works for you to let go of being stuck in the past

Whatever method works for you to move on from your mistakes, do it.  EFT and FasterEFT are great tools I use with clients.  They help to acknowledge your feelings about a mistake or results you hadn't wanted,  so you're able to let it go. It's important you honor your emotions because then you can quickly move through them.   With them out of the way, you can then calmly take away any information or knowledge from the experience. 

Be willing to take the time to work through the emotions in an efficient manner and then get on with your dreams and your life.

let_go_of_past_mistakes_ singer

Book a complimentary call to learn discuss ways to release any blocks that stand in your way.

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(805) 265-9063
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