Letting go of Resentment

Do you feel resentful towards someone?  You know it doesn't feel good, but you're not sure how, or if you want to let go of this resentment. What if you knew resentment was damaging to your physical health? Would you still want to hold onto that resentment? Or would you try to find ways in which to let it go?

It's been said, "Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies."

We're the ones who suffer any damage, not the other person.  In fact, according to Carsten Wrosch, an associate professor of psychology at Concordia University in Montreal and author,  "studies have shown that bitter angry people have higher blood pressure and heart rate, and are more likely to die of heart disease and other illnesses."

Short Term Anger isn't Necessarily a Bad Thing

Dr. Charles Raison, clinical director of the Mind-Body Program at Emory,  states that feeling this way in the short term might not be dangerous - it might even be helpful to fight off an enemy - but the problem with bitterness is that it goes on and on. When our bodies are constantly primed to fight someone, the increase in blood pressure and in chemicals such as C-reactive protein eventually take a toll on the heart and other parts of the body. Physiologically, when we feel negatively towards someone, our bodies instinctively prepare to fight that person, which leads to changes such as increase in blood pressure.  "We run hot as our inflammatory system responds to dangers and threats," he says.  "The data that negative mental states cause heart problems is just stupendous," Raison says. "The data is just as established as smoking and the size of the effect is the same".

But maybe you have a situation you're so angry about that you feel it's impossible to let go of resentment.  Would you like to let go of the resentment, but feel you suffered such an injustice, you're not sure that you can?

If holding on to resentment is so bad for us, wouldn't it make sense to let go of  the resentment?  Holding on to resentment is tied to self-worth.  We want to know that our feelings of being hurt or the unfairness of what happened to us, is valid.  By holding on to resentment, we somehow feel justice will happen.  But it doesn't. It only causes you more pain.

When you realize your health and happiness are more important than holding a grudge or resentment, you can choose to let it go. You have to decide if holding on to these negative emotions is really worth it.

What if you can't get past the anger or feelings of hurt?

Sometimes it's not as easy as we'd like to let go of the resentment and anger.  Sometimes we still feel the emotions quite strongly.  This is where either EFT, or FasterEFT can be helpful. It helps you move quickly through intense emotions. You can work out the anger and resentment in a fairly short amount of time, giving you the ability to easily let it go.

One thing to remember, is to be as specific as you can be when tapping.  Below is a general example of how to tap.  However, to completely collapse the anger and resentment, you'll want to work through all the parts of what happened to you to cause the resentment.

Letting Go of Resentment - Steps you can Take

Below I've included examples of some EFT rounds you can use to release these feelings.  If you're unfamiliar with the EFT Tapping points or technique, here's a link explaining how to do EFT.

Before starting the rounds, it's helpful to get a gauge on the intensity of the emotion you're dealing with. In this case anger and resentment.  Rate the level of the emotion from 0-10.  0 being no intensity at all, and 10 being the highest possible level.  After a round or 2,  you'll recheck the intensity to see how it's progressing.


Starting with the set-up phrase on the karate point:
"Even though, I have all of this anger and resentment towards____________, I accept myself and how I feel.
"Even though I can't let go of this anger and resentment, I deeply and profoundly accept who I am and how I feel"
"Even though I've been holding on to this anger and resentment, it's time to let them go so I can move on with my life"

1st Round:

Eyebrow: "I'm so angry at ___________________________________.  What they did was wrong and I haven't let it go. I'm not even sure I can. :
Side of eye:  "All this anger:"
Under the eye: "I can't let it go"
Under the nose: "I don't want to let it go"
Chin: "Maybe I do. I know it's hurting me, not them."
Collarbone: "I'm just not sure I can"
Under the arm: "All of this anger"
Liver point: "It's time I let it go."
Top of head: "My health and well-being are worth  more than keeping this anger and resentment"
Eyebrow: "It's time to let it go and I'm doing that now"
Side of eye:  "I'm letting go of the resentment and anger little by little"
Under eye: " it's moving out of my body now. I'm ready and I'm more than this anger.I'm letting go of this anger as a way to take care of myself"
Under nose: "Maybe I don't want to let it go.  Maybe I DO"
Chin:"It's moving out now."
Collarbone:  "I can feel it moving out of my body"
Under arm: "All this anger and resentment"
Liver point: "All of this anger and resentment - completely leaving my body"
Top of head: "I'm releasing all of this anger and resentment, and that feels good"

Take a breath and see how you feel.  What's the rating on the intensity scale of your anger and resentment if you established a *SUD level rating before you started?  Keep tapping and exploring the different aspects of the resentment and why you might be holding on to a small portion of it, if it doesn't move out completely.  Work on it until the intensity level is at least as low as a "2" or "1".

Once you've let go of all of the resentment and anger, it's nice to finish with a round of positive tapping. Below is an example:

Eyebrow: "I'm grateful I've go of those negative emotions"
Side of eye: "I appreciate how peaceful and relaxed I feel"
Under eye: "I appreciate being able to feel so relaxed"
Under nose: "I"m grateful for the peace I feel inside.
Chin: "I'm happy I now have this new energy to use towards positive things in my life"
Collarbone: "I't feels great to be free of the anger and resentment"
Under arm: "I'm grateful for this peacefulness
Liver point: "I'm grateful to have the tools to release these negative emotions"
Top of Head: "I appreciate these feelings of calm and peacefulness."

*The SUD Scale or SUD Level is an abbreviation for "subjective levels of disturbance".  To determine the SUD Level, a person is asked, "On a scale from 10-0, 10 being the highest possible level of disturbance or discomfort, and 0 being no disturbance or discomfort at all, where would you say you are right now?

With EFT, the more specific you can be, the better your results are.  If you can identify the cause of the resentment, as well as any accompanying emotions, you'll have a better rate of success in letting go of all of it.

Here's to letting go of resentment and living a life full of happiness and ease.

  If you want to find out how to let go of resentment so you can find ease, book a complimentary call.  We'll discuss your goals and see if we're a mutual fit. 

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

 

What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?

How would you act and feel if you knew you couldn't fail?

If you knew you couldn’t fail, how would you approach life, goals, or challenges?

Take a moment to consider a situation or goal in your life.  Does it seem attainable to you, or does it seem out of your reach?  Maybe you have some doubt about the outcome.  Allow yourself to feel what it would be like, right now if you were in the situation of having achieved your goal. The more vivid you can make it, the better. What are the sensations in your body?  What are the emotions it brings up?  Are you able to imagine a positive outcome?  If not, what are the challenges or obstacles that get in the way?  Just note each of these without any judgment about them.  This is just for your information.

Now imagine for a moment, that you knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt you couldn't fail. Whatever it was you wanted, your goal or the outcome to a certain situation, would be a guaranteed win.  How would you approach this situation differently?  Would you put more time into it?  Would you keep going, even if you came up against blocks or delays?  Would you find yourself more confident and determined?  How do you feel now about the emotions or challenges you noticed before when you imagined the goal or situation?  Do they feel as strong as they did before?  Or were you able to really get a sense of how you’d keep going, if the going was tough?

When you know you can’t fail, you don’t let anything stop you

When we come from the position of knowing we won't fail, we have more confidence to keep going until we accomplish what it is we're after.  We aren't stopped by our own judgments or criticisms. Or by anyone else’s. We don't allow other people's opinions to change our course of action. We just keep going with the faith we'll succeed.

When I began to adopt this way of thinking, I noticed I didn't let setbacks stop me.  I even had more energy and enthusiasm for what it was I was tackling.  I also noticed something else.  I began to look at everything in my life, even the small tasks throughout the day, as if I would succeed.  It wasn't limited to just the bigger goals.  The feeling seemed to grow upon itself and I felt more positive about everything I did.

Begin the Process by asking “What would I do if I knew I couldn't fail?"

Start by looking at what you want to accomplish.  This can be anything - big or small.  Then ask yourself,"What would I do if I knew I couldn't fail?"  What steps would you take, what decisions or actions would you implement that you've been stalling on?  When you really let yourself imagine it from this point of view, you find you start having a more positive outlook regarding anything you attempt. You'll also find you're more willing to take risks on new endeavors.  Try to do this on a regular basis.  Make it a habit until you view everything you attempt, with the idea that you won't fail.

It’s not failing, if you’re trying - It’s learning 

The interesting thing you'll discover, is that, even though you might makes mistakes along the way, as long ass you keep putting in effort, and monitoring any changes you might neeed to make, you’re succeeding.  Because you’re moving forward, and you’re learning what works or what adjustments you need to make.

Sometimes you won't get exactly what it was you were going for.  But what you will find, is that it ends up being the perfect outcome to that situation. If you stay open, it will lead you to an even better situation than you had imagined. If you have the courage to keep going, and to remain open-minded, you'll see that you're guided by circumstances to even better results.

Sometimes the road forks off to the left. If you have the confidence that you won't fail, you're more willing to follow that fork in the road and see exactly where it leads.  It becomes an exciting adventure.  Instead of holding on tightly to the straight narrow path you first came up with, when you know you won’t fail, you;re more open to making different or better-suited choices.  There’s more fluidity to your decisions, which isn’t turn, create better results.

I encourage you to begin experimenting with what it is you've always dreamed of doing and approach it with the knowledge that you can't fail.  Not always getting the exact results we want isn't a failure. It's information that we need to possibly take a different direction. Stay open and excited about life.  And believe you can't fail.

To learn more about taking, small, yet manageable steps towards your success, Jeff Olson has an excellent book, The Slight Edge .  In it he discusses how committing to small steps each day, has profound results on the quality of your life.  By taking these small steps, they culminate into big changes over time.  It's a quick and easy read with lots of inspiration.

To find out what keeps you from moving forward, book a complimentary call.  We'll discuss your goals and see if the work I do is a match for you. 

Contact Info:

sumi@sumihouton.com

(805) 265-9063