Are You Giving Too Much?

If you're highly sensitive or someone who does healing work, such as massage, personal coaching, therapy, or energy work, do you find at the end of the day, you're exhausted?

If You're Overly Tired At the End of the Day, You're Giving Too Much

While you probably love what you do and even feel energized by it, when you're finished for the day, if you're exhausted, this means you're giving too much.  

A person who works with people, helping them feel better or heal, is someone who's extremely giving and nurturing.  It's in their nature to care and want to give their very best.  The trap though can be that you give too much of yourself in each session.  You want the other person to have relief, but if you end up exhausted, feeling completely spent at the end of the day, you've overly invested in the other person's recovery.  This can also be true of people who don't necessarily work in this professional arena, but who are overly caring towards their friends, family, or co-workers.

Being Overly Invested or Giving Too Much Isn't Good For Either of You

While your intentions are good, you're actually not serving the other person or yourself.  When you extend yourself to the point of exhaustion, this is a red flag, alerting you to the fact that you've taken on the other person's issue.  Because it might seem as if it's "not so hard for you to do", "I really want them to feel better", or "I want to give them their money's worth", what you've actually done is robbed them of whatever it is they need to learn.  As someone once said, "You're robbing them of their journey.'  

The Challenges Are Here to Help Us Grow

Challenges in anyone's life are designed to help them grow and follow the path they're meant to travel.  If you help too much, you're slowing them down. They're on whatever journey they're meant to travel. If you help too much, they might not feel what they need to feel in order to try harder or shift course.  It isn't up to us to take away another person's challenge.  It's up to us to offer support in just the amount that's appropriate.

Reasons Why We Give Too Much

In my own life, for me it turned out to be many aspects.  When anyone gives too much there are usually layers of why they do.  One of the strongest aspects for me was that I could feel someone else's pain.  Being an empath, I feel another person's emotions acutely.  Until I learned to allow someone to feel difficult emotions without trying to "fix it' or be "overly helpful", I found I was wearing myself out.  

We have to learn to disengage and know that the other person, for whatever reason, needs to go through what they're going through. By having this belief, not only do you take care of your own needs by not overextending, but you also send the message that you really do believe in the other person's ability to create their own healing.  We all sometimes need to feel extremely uncomfortable before we're willing to move past the fear of change.  When you hold support in a healthy and balanced way, you allow for this to happen.

As professionals in the healing community, it's our job to support their journey, not do it for them.  To be the person who says, 'I know you're struggling, and it might be really hard right now, but I know you can do it." 

Until someone takes full responsibility for their own healing though, they haven't really stepped into their power.  When they do, it gives them a sense of ownership and courage.  They can feel their own strength.

If you have a hard time disengaging and giving an appropriate amount in your sessions, explore what might be causing you to give too much.  In an upcoming blog, I'll cover what makes people give too much and ways to change this.  Check back weekly for new blog posts.

If you're ready to take your life to the next level, book a complimentary call.  We can discuss our goals.  You an ask any questions you have and we'll see if we're a mutual fit. 

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

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Nurture Yourself First

Pay Attention - Notice When You Need to Slow Down

As I sat on the deck, looking out over the beautiful Costa Rican ocean, I was filled with the peacefulness and wonderment of the area.  It was heavenly to experience.  My immediate reaction was to grab for my cell phone and share the moment with friends.  I was suddenly struck with the thought that we rarely take the time to fully experience these moments which are given to us. Instead of allowing this time to nurture myself, I was already rushing off to give to others.

Nurture Yourself First

I realized that if I just allowed myself the time to "fill my tanks" first with this wonderful experience, I'd have more to give to others later.  Too often we've been taught that it's selfish to think of ourselves first.  Especially if you're a woman.  Our natural nature is to nurture others.  But with today's busy schedules, we end up pushing ourselves past the limit of what's healthy.  It eventually takes a toll.  We're so busy running from one job or situation to another that we forget to slow down and do what takes care of our needs. When in fact, if we take the time to care for ourselves, in healthy and balanced ways, we end up wanting to give even more. I find that when I'm filled with joy, I can't wait to share this with others.

When You Nurture Yourself First, You Have More to Give

When you take care of yourself, you're much more available to help or support others.  The stronger and more nurtured you are within yourself, the more you have to give. 

Once I realized how much I was falling into the programmed response to take care of others before I took care of myself, I allowed myself to just relax and sit for a full 30 minutes -  just taking in the feelings of the moment.  When I was finished, I sent off some texts to friends. Happy to share the experience with others.  I encourage you to explore the option of taking care of yourself first.  When you do, you're filled with joy and contentment.  You're more willingly share this with others, because you have so much more to offer.

If you find you aren't able to practice self-care, book a 20-minute complimentary call.  We can discuss what stands in the way of your giving to yourself.  

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063

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Removing the Blocks to Passion and Purpose

Do you have a passion?  A burning desire to do something?  Do you know what you want to do but for some reason, aren't doing it?  If you aren't doing it, you have blocks to passion or purpose.

Maybe you'd like to be passionate about something, but haven't discovered what it is yet.  In this article I'll cover how to discover what blocks you from following through on your passions.  In upcoming blogs, I'll cover ways to dissolve these blocks and if you have trouble accessing your passions, I'll write about ways to discover what your passions are, or what your purpose is.

What Blocks You From Taking Action

If you're not following your passion, purpose, or heart's desire, there's something blocking it.  Two of the biggest reasons people block their ability to take action or to drop into their passion and purpose are:

• Fear, 
• or a feeling of "Not deserving it".  

Either of these will stop you from taking action.  Underneath procrastination, reluctance, or "reasons for not doing it" are some of the following:

• Fear of failure
• Fear of being judged
• Fear of making a mistake
• Fear of success - this one can sometimes be even more compelling than "fear of failure"
• Don't deserve it - This one is a powerful block and links to self-worth or self-esteem
• Guilt or shame over something you before.  This creates a feeling of "I'm not worthy"
• Overwhelm - this is also a form of fear
• "I don't have the time, energy, or money"

The list goes on.  But the reason we block ourselves is for protection. We don't want to feel pain, discomfort, or humiliation.  These are common reactions, especially if we've experienced them before, and most of us have.  When we've had deep disappointments, felt embarrassed, ridiculed, or hurt, of course we don't want to feel these emotions again.  We'll do just about anything not to feel that way again - including sabotaging our own happiness or success.

Identify Your Blocks to Passion and Purpose

To identify what holds you back, look at reasons you give for  not doing something.  Dig a little deeper, if necessary.  Ask yourself why you haven't done it.  Then ask yourself what "might happen" if I did do it?  Are you afraid or nervous about someone else's reaction?  Do you feel like you're on overwhelm with too much going on?  Do you think it will take away from time you spend with family or friends?  Do you think it will have an influence over your finances?

While all of these are concerns are valid reasons for not doing something, when you're 100% congruent with what you want to do, you find a way.  You become creative and you're driven to find solutions so you can accomplish what it is you're passionate about.

• You reorganize your schedule so you do have time to do it. 
• You find a way to do it where it doesn't impact you negatively in regards to your finances.
• You work through your reaction to how another person's opinion affects you  

What if You Still Can't Find Out What Your Underlying Fear or Doubt Is?

If the exercise above didn't bring up the "reasons you can't do what you want to do", look at it from the opposite side.  By not following your passion or taking action, what does it keep you from doing?  How does this protect you or "benefit" you?  If we avoid something, even when it's good for us, somewhere it's because there's an upside to it.  We benefit in some way.  The benefit usually being a way in which to protect ourselves. In other words, what are you avoiding so you can feel "safe"? "Safe" being comfortable, "not putting yourself out there", or "not standing out."

Think of it this way.  Imagine you want to lose weight.  You've tried everything you know to lose weight. Somehow though, you only lose a pound or two, or you lose it, but then regain the weight. Something within you is keeping you from achieving the weight loss.  It could be:

1. Not following through on your diet or exercise program
2. Keeping you from discovering what would work for you
3. Fully committing to finding the solution no matter what it takes

In the example of losing weight, some women have said, it was because "Then men would make inappropriate comments like they did before", or "Then my friend would be jealous and take jabs at me or make me feel bad because she was still overweight".  When they discovered what was holding them back from losing weight, and changed that belief, they were able to go forward and lose the weight they desired.

If You Find Yourself Back in the Same Place, Look at What's Missing

When you find yourself back in the same position, over and over again, there's something missing.  If you don't feel the drive or passion to accomplish it, no matter what, there's something standing in the way.  And that something is either fear or a feeling of not being worthy.  This can come out as "I don't have what it takes to succeed.  I'm not enough."  

Not "Being enough" covers a lot of areas:

1. Not good enough
2. Not smart enough
3. Not organized enough
4. Not healthy enough

When you're 100% committed to achieving your goal, (by incorporating your passion for it), a part of you pushes through. Your passion is what fuels you to keep going when challenges come up.  

For example, if your issue was the "not healthy enough"thought, but you were committed to succeeding, you'd find a professional who could help you attain the health you need.  If it was not feeling smart enough, you'd take a class, read about it, or enlist the help of someone who could guide you through the process.  

By identifying what your fears are, you have the information and the ability to dissolve these fears and doubts.  By doing this, you find your passion and in turn, it helps you create success.

Tap Into Your Indomitable Human Spirit

As humans, our spirit and drive are amazing.  As the Urban Dictionary states. Our indomitable human spirit cannot be subdued or overcome.  We're unconquerable.  When you bring your beliefs into alignment with what you love, there's no stopping you.

In a future article I'll take you through some tapping examples for releasing the fears, doubts, or blocks you have to fully taking hold of your passion and allowing it to motivate your actions.  If you want to receive the next blog article, you can check back here or sign up below for my newsletter.  In the meantime, you can check out What is EFT?  to look at a simple to learn technique, that helps dissolve any blocks  keeping you from moving forward.  

If you're ready to discover and what your passions are, or how to remove any blocks to them, book a complimentary call.  We'll discuss your goals and the steps you can take to a fullfilling life, based on your passions and goals.

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063

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Hard on Yourself? Steps You Can Take to Let The Habit Go.

If you're hard on yourself, you can change this habit. Just as you learned the habit, you can also unlearn it.   There are real steps you can take to dismantle the habit of being hard on yourself and begin to really thrive.

Being Hard on Yourself is a "Learned Habit"

Growing up, you learned the habit of being hard on yourself, or being "self critical".  We aren't born this way, we learn it from either a parent, older sibling, or significant adult figure in our life.  Like any learned habit, it can be unlearned.  There are steps you can follow to letting go of being self critical.

In my last article, Self-Criticism - How it holds you back and How to let it go,  I talked about the process of shifting your focus from positive to negative.  Not always easy when your habit has been to focus on "What's wrong".  If you're having a hard time of shifting your focus off of what you think you're doing wrong, try viewing the process from the standpoint of, "I wonder what I can learn here?" or "What am I willing to let go of that no longer serves me in my success and my happiness?"  If you can adopt an attitude of curiosity, it becomes easier to explore the issues surrounding the habit of being hard on yourself.

To start moving your focus to one of support for yourself, begin by looking at what your underlying beliefs are.  If your underlying thoughts don't serve you in success or your happiness, learn to identify them and then let them go.

Step One

If you read the last article, you know I asked you to identify any message you heard while growing up.  Or any actions such as a disapproving look from someone else.  If you didn't make the list before, you can do it now.

Make a list of any of the following you experienced:

1. Negative words or phrases you heard someone say to you about how what you were doing "wasn't enough".  Examples of this are, "Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?  You're impossible.  Your room is always a mess.  When are you ever going to grow up?" 
2. These can also include - Comments about your appearance - clothes you wore, your weight, etc.

 Another source of how we learned to be hard on ourselves can be looks we saw, or actions/responses by someone else:

1. Disapproving looks
2. Rolling of eyes (directed at you)
3. Sighs of annoyance or disapproval
4. Emotions you've felt in regards to how you felt as a result of any of the above
5. Judgments or thoughts you made about yourself that you're still listening to

These are just a few examples.  Think back and write down any ones you  heard, saw, or experienced.  These messages are valuable information you have to begin unwinding the habit of not letting yourself off the hook.

When you know what the messages are, it's easier to incorporate EFT tapping into releasing them.  If you're having trouble remembering the messages, just focus on any of the negative "self talk" that goes on in your mind.  Write them down so you can check back to the list as you go along.

If you aren't familiar with EFT or how to do it, you can read about it here and access a free downloadable EFT Tapping Chart with directions here. 

How to Use Your List

Now that you have the list of thoughts, events, or emotions, it's time to tap.

Below are some general phrases you can use to start the tapping process.  The more specific you can be, the more effective tapping is, but this is a good place to start because it can help bring up memories or events you might have forgotten.

The nice thing about tapping is it brings to the surface any underlying emotions, beliefs, or traumas we're ready to release.  Because it's such a safe way to examine emotions, you can move through this quickly without reliving the trauma or event in such an intense way as you originally experienced it.

EFT Tapping Examples

If you can give yourself a rating as to how hard you are on yourself, or how intensely you feel the emotions around it, this gives you an idea as to how much it shifts and how many more rounds of tapping you'll need to get it down to a "1" or a "0".  

Say out loud, "I'm really hard on myself."  Give it a rating from 0-10.  10 being absolutely true and "0" being 'not true at all.'  If you're dealing with emotions, say "I feel ... (fill in how you feel, i.e. "sad", "discourage", "frustrated" whatever emotion you feel), and then give that a rating.  

Now, starting on the Karate Chop (KC) point, say the following while tapping:

"Even though I heard that phrase or comment (insert the phrase you heard), and I saw "that look", I still deeply and completely love and accept myself.

"Even though, I heard what they said and saw that look, and I learned to do the same thing to myself as a result, I accept how I feel about this."

"Even though I'm hard on  myself and say negative things about myself (You can insert what they are here), I'm open to changing that habit."

Now you would continue on to the tapping points while saying the following:

Eyebrow: "I'm hard on myself."

Side of eye: "I can't give myself a break because if I do, (fill in the blank.  i.e., "I'll be lazy, I won't succeed, I'm not doing well enough in my life")

Under eye: "I can't give myself a break. I have to keep pushing myself and punishing myself."

Under nose: "I'm hard on myself.  

Chin: "It's the only way I know how to be."
Collarbone: "It's what I learned.  They were hard on my so I learned by example and I'm a really good student, so I learned this lesson well."
Under Arm: "I'm really hard on myself and I'm not letting this go."

Top of Head: "I'm hard on myself and I'd like to stop doing this, I'm just not sure that I can."

Take a breath and see what comes up.  Are there any additional emotions or memories that surfaced while you were tapping?  If so, are these more intense than the original event or emotion you started with?  If they are, then this is where you'd go next in your tapping round.

Why Am I Focusing on the Negative??

We're often told, "Get over it.  Let it go.  Focus on the positive."  While these are meant to help us feel better, if we don't focus on exactly what our subconscious mind is saying, we won't be able to release how we feel, or change the messages.  Until you acknowledge how you feel, you won't be able to release it.  Our subconscious wants what's best for us, so it keeps track This is why you need to first tap on the negative.  Once the intensity starts to go down, then you add in tapping rounds of the positive.  What you're doing is telling yourself (and your subconscious), "I hear you. I honor how you feel, and you're worth it."  You're letting yourself know that your emotions are valuable.  They've given you good information, and now you can release them.  By doing this, you build on your self-worth and let your subconscious mind relax.

Here's an example round of the positive:

Eyebrow:  "I'm letting go of these negative feelings and thoughts."

Side of Eye:  "They're moving out now"

Under Eye: "All of these emotions and thoughts"

Under Nose: "This belief I'm not good enough"

Chin: "This belief I have to keep beating myself up"

Collarbone: "I'm letting them all go now"

Under Arm: "They're moving out now"
Top of Head: "I'm letting them go.  They're moving out, and that feels good.  Thank you body for letting these emotions go."

While this is not the end of the process here, it gives you a place to start.  With any deeply held belief, thought, or emotion, it's quicker and easier to work with a professional  Their outside view can help you discover areas you might have hidden from yourself.  If you're able to work with a professional right now, at least begin the process. It will help.

Remember, this a process and it might take a little time to unravel all the beliefs you have about yourself.  It's a journey and one worth taking.  Be easy on yourself as you do it.

  

If you want to learn how to easily let go of being hard on yourself, book a complimentary call. I can discuss ways you can learn to let go of patterns or critical self-talk so you can more easily move forward in your life.  

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063

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