Empower yourself - Change your thoughts

How our thoughts determine our quality of life

The thoughts you have determine your life, your success, even your state of health.  Your brain is set to keep you in alignment with what you believe.  It’s a safety mechanism designed to keep the species alive.  Whatever you tell your brain, especially if you repeat it over and over again, as in your “Recurring thoughts”, the more it becomes true for you.  

The good news though, is you can change your mind.  Your mind doesn’t question if what you tell it is true or not.  It just accepts it as fact, and then acts on these thoughts.
So if you keep telling yourself, “I can’ do this”, or, “I’m sick of this”, your body will respond by finding ways for you not doing something, and even create sickness in your body. 

The RAS in your brain and why its important

We have a bundle of nerves in our brains called the RAS, or Reticulating Activation System.  Once you identify something that you care about, or is important to you, you signal your brain to be on the lookout for this situation, item, etc.

An example is when you decide you want to buy a particular car.  All of a sudden, you start to see this particulate car everywhere you go.  And any times it’s in the exact color you’ve identified that you want.

It’s not that suddenly there are suddenly more of these cars on the road, but instead, your mind is now focused on what you’ve said is important to you.  It now goes about noticing the cars that in the past, you wouldn’t have even seen.

For a more in-depth understanding of the RSA, you can read this article: RAS - What it is 

Use your mind to work for you, instead of against you

Now that you know how the mind works, you can start to use it to work in your favor as opposed to working against you.  It’s not that your mind has been purposely trying to sabotage you.  It’s only that it has been following what it thought you wanted.  

Tell your mind a new story.  Tell it what you want it to focus on.  Want a happy, healthy relationship?  Tell your mind, “I attract the perfect soul mate”.  Want more success or more money?  Tell your brain, “I’m successful”, “I have more than enough money for what I want”. 

Yes, this sounds overly simple. But through repetition, you can in fact change what your mind believes.  Add to this, the tools of EFT or tapping and you can get rid of any resistance you have to what you want.

For instance, let’s use the example of “I attract my perfect soul mate”.  When you say this, what’s the kickback, or the “Yeah, but….”?  What pops into your mind as the reason you can’t have this?  There’s no right or wrong answer here.  Whatever comes up for you is the answer you want or need in order to let go of that belief that limits you from having what you want.

Then take that belief and rate it as to ‘How true it is”.  Give it a score from 1-10.  So, when you say the phrase you’re working on, is it a 10 - absolutely true?  Or a 0?  “No way is that true for me!”  Or any number in between.  

You’re just giving yourself a gauge to go by so you know that it’s shifting and ultimately releasing as you go through the EFT exercises. 

There’s a very informative book by Marisa Peer, a world-renowned and successful hypnotist who has worked with everyone from celebrities, rock stars, and billionaires to help them improve their lives.  If you want a great read that covers the science behind how hypnosis works, as well as examples of how you can use it to change your life, you can take a look at it here: 

Tell yourself a better lie

Become aware of your inner thoughts

This is by far one of the most important steps you can take.  Start becoming aware of your inner dialogue. And then change what you say to yourself.  Some examples of what you might be saying are:

• This commute is killing me.  Is it really?   How about the fact that you have a job?  You can instead tell yourself, “I’m happy to have a job even if the commute is longer than I would like”
• I’m exhausted!  Instead say, “My body is tired right now and just needs to recharge”
• I never have enough time.  Try, “I have plenty of time to accomplish what I want/need to do”

As you begin telling yourself a better line, you’ll find that things change in your life - for real. Suddenly, you find extra time, or you become more efficient and complete what you need to get done.

Play with this idea.  It’s fun.  See what you can change in your life, merely by changing what you tell yourself on a daily basis.  You’ll definitely see the difference. 

 

Creating Ease in Your Body

During these challenging times of COVID-19 and world events, it can be easy to drop into doubt, uncertainty, and fear.  Just hearing the news on a regular basis can add to these feelings of tension.

When you're exposed to ongoing negative news, it can create tension in your body. This isn't good for your stress levels or your health. 

Is COVID real? Of course, it is.  Should you take precautions in boosting your immune system, washing your hands, and being aware of coming into contact with others who might have COVID?  Of course.  However, when we are truly safe, even if it's only in the present moment, we need to acknowledge it and take it in. This gives our bodies a break and a chance to let down.


When you let down and relax, you give your immune system a break and a chance to remain healthy.  Letting go of unnecessary stress is key to maintaining your health.

Reminding Your Body To Relax

Something you can do to alleviate this stress is to implement a daily routine of "reminding your body" to relax. 

If you've ever experienced trauma or a frightening event, you know how your body can tense up.  Unfortunately, when there are ongoing traumas or dangers, our body can get locked into a state of perpetual tightness.  Our adrenals stay on high alert rather than letting down once the danger is over.

There are steps you can do to change this.  You can consciously remind yourself that "At this moment, right here, right now, I am safe"  Because it's true, right?  If you think about right now, as you're reading this, there is no imminent danger. 
Yes, COVID is still here.  People's jobs can be uncertain.  But at this very moment, you're ok.  We can perceive dangers that could happen in the future as being currently a danger to ourselves.  This isn't true. 

Steps to reset your body to a state of calm

  1. Start your day out with a positive outlook.

• The outlook you head into your day sets the tone for your entire day.  Why not be pro-active and set it to one of optimism, hope, exploration?  
• YouTube has a large variety of motivational videos.  You can start your day with one of these.  Here are a few as examples, or to get yourself started:
  • 4 Minutes to Set up your Day
  • Start Your Day Right
• When you set up your day with a sense of positivity or a great intention, you set the tone of your entire day.

2. Remind yourself that you're safe.

• Consciously take the time to remind yourself that in the present moment you're safe.  You can think this, write it, or even tap it in.  I'll include some tapping phrases you can practice as a reminder

3. Find ways to remind yourself to relax.

• Like any habit, the more you repeat it, the more it becomes second nature.
• Whether it's setting a daily reminder in your phone to give yourself a reminder to breathe deeply and just relax, by reminding yourself to relax throughout the day, or doing some rounds of tapping (EFT), you're training your body to stay in a state of relaxation and ease.

4. Create more routines of self-care.

• Yoga
• Meditation
• Walks in nature
• Creating pieces of art
• Scheduling in downtime just for yourself

5. Find and list the things in your life that you're grateful for.

• By shifting your awareness from worry or concern, to what you love or appreciate about your life, you're giving yourself more uplifting and relaxing thoughts.
• By being in a state of gratitude, even for a few minutes,  you're resetting your mind and your body to a more relaxed state.  It also opens your heart and allows you to receive in a much easier way.

EFT Tapping Phrase to Create Ease

 Here are 2 different examples of how to use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique, or tapping), to create ease in your body.

Example 1: Doing the full round of tapping:
In this exercise you'll tap through the standard form of EFT starting with the setup phrases:

Setup:
Even though I have all of this tension and worry in my body and in my life, I am ok.
Even though I'm feeling so tense and anxious, I deeply and profoundly accept who I am and how I feel.
Even though I have all this tension in my body, and the world is so uncertain right now, a part of me knows there are ways I can create ease in my body.

Starting on the eyebrow point and continuing with the rest of the points:

• All of this tension in my body and my mind.
• All of this tension. I'd like to let it go.
• I wonder if I can let it go?
• Maybe I don't need to be hypervigilant all of the time
• I wonder how I can create ease in my body? 
• All of this tension in my body. It's ok to let it go
• I wonder if that's possible?
• Maybe I can release it a little at a time, in the way that feels right for me

Relax and take a breath and then continue onto the 2nd round of tapping for this exercise:

• All this tension in my body.
• All of this fear and doubt.
• Relax and let it go.
• All of the need to be in control.
• I wonder if I can let go of the need to know and just relax?
• Maybe I can just relax and open up to curiosity and exploration.
• Maybe I can trust that I have everything I need to make the right decisions

• Maybe I just didn't realize I could do this.
• All of this tension.  Release and let it go.
• All this tension.  It's ok to let it goIt's safe to let it go
• It's time to let it go.
• All of this tension in my body, in my thoughts, and in my emotions. 
• Release and them it go.

Then take a deep breath.  Hold onto your wrist with your other hand and say, "Peace"  As you do, think of a very pleasant or relaxing memory and just let yourself sit with this for a few moments.
By feeling the memory of a pleasant memory and then holding your wrist, you're anchoring this feeling deeper into your body and your present time.
You can change any of the words to fit your particular sensations or thoughts as you go through the exercise.

2nd Method of Tapping:
This is one you can do throughout your day when you notice tension in your body:
Here you would skip the setup phrase because you're already aware of the issue you want to work on, which is the feeling of tension.
You can either tap on one point, or you can go through the whole series of points - whichever feels right for you.  There's no wrong or right here.

• I'm safe in my body.
• Right here, right now, in this moment, I am safe and I choose to relax
• I'm safe and my body can relax
• It's ok for me to relax
• All of this tension I'm feeling, relax and let it go
• It's safe to let it go. 
• It's ok to let it go.
• I am safe
• I choose to release and let it go.
• In this moment I choose to recognize that I am safe, right here and right now
• I can now let down my guard and relax my body
• I choose to relax my body and feel at ease

Discounts During Covid

As a way to support others during these challenging times, I've decided to offer a limited number of discounts for the months of July & August. If our economic shutdown continues past that point, I'll look at extending the discounts.

If you're interested in seeing if the work I do could be a support for you right now, email me and we can do a 20-30 min complimentary all to explore how this work can be a support for you

Letting Go of Self-Judgment

When you hold non-judgment and compassion for yourself, you create substantial benefits for yourself.  You hold optimism, increase your level of success, and even increase your immune system's ability to function at optimal levels.

Not only that, but you're able to fully explore all your options and your abilities. It gives you permission to take a chance - to really go for greatness without the encumbrance of judgment or blaming.

When you let go of being critical of yourself, you free yourself up and you also add courage to the mix.  Rather than judging the steps, you take, instead, view your actions and decisions with curiosity.  

• What worked?
• What didn’t work?
• What can I alter to create better results?
• Is there more I can pursue in this area of thought or action?

When you give yourself permission to just be present with what is, you open a whole new horizon of possibilities.

What if you had an amazing supporter? Someone who believed in you.

Here’s something to consider.  How would your work, actions, or decisions change if you really knew you had someone in your life who believed in you and who supported everything you did?  How would that feel?  If, no matter what you did, this person said, ”Well, good for you for taking a chance.  Were these the results you were going for?  And if not, is there another direction or tactic you could take to get the results you want?  What else could you do, in a different way to support your desired goal?” Or, “That was great!  You look like you’re really on track here.  I have so much belief in you.”  

No criticism.  Just a deep desire to be the best source of support they could be.  And even be a sounding board for your decisions.  

, 

How would this change your performance or even your view of an upcoming decision?  What would your level of confidence be? 

Let that person be you

Now that you’ve imagined this other person and all of the benefits they would bring to your life,  let that person be you.  Step into that role for yourself.  Be your best champion.  Leave judgment at the door and go wholeheartedly for what you want, or what you believe.  

Give yourself permission to mess up and make mistakes.  When you let go of the need to be perfect, you open up so many more options for yourself.  You’re free from judgment or criticism and you're able to really fly.

Give yourself permission to be both brilliant & imperfect, all at the same time 

Realize that’s it’s ok to make mistakes.  It’s part of being human.  You can be both perfect, brilliant, and imperfect.  Because when you know this, it’s such a feeling of freedom.  You’re giving yourself full permission to explore all of your options.  

The ones that work, you keep.  The ones that don’t, you let go of. By being kind to yourself, which means allowing for whoever you are in that moment, you learn more about yourself, and how to move forward in a much easier way.  

Life is hard enough without adding extra judgment to it

The kinder you can be to yourself, the easier life becomes.  Life already sends us enough challenges without us adding self-judgment to the mix.  Let yourself off the hook.  Allow yourself to make mistakes, and celebrate your courage in taking a chance. 

Complimentary Coaching Session for Healers & Healing Professionals

Are you struggling to find your purpose right now? Do have clarity on your next, best step? During this time of crisis, we are all in a position of self-reflection. What haven’t you done that’s been a desire goal or burning desire? What areas of your life do you want to improve or change?  

While this crisis is certainly challenging in many ways, it also gives us the chance to re-evaluate our lives, and to decide what truly works for us, and what we’d like to leave behind.  

In an effort to give back and offer support to people wanting to gain more clarity on the direction they’re taking and steps to take in this direction, I'm offering 2 complimentary coaching sessions. This is for t a limited number of healers or people working to create change in their life, or within their community

My believe is that when we help others it has a ripple effect and benefits even more people.

During these coaching sessions, we'll focus on honing in on and identifying your key goal or desired outcome.  I'll also support you in discovering the steps you can take to achieve your desired outcome.

Your desired outcome can be anything you want to create in your life. From change, to clarity, or as simple as bringing more self-care into your life. It might even be creating new programs to help others or create positive change in their lives.  Or it can be just gaining a sense of clarity around what your purpose is - what you came here to be.

If you're interested in seeing if these 2 coaching sessions would benefit you, send me a message.

Together we can all make a positive difference for the people in our lives and in the world at large.

Growth In Relationships

Growth in relationships is inevitable.  It it doesn't happen, the relationship can grow stale and even fall apart. 

Every relationship we have is a vehicle for growth and change.  The little "Challenges" and arguments give you the opportunity to explore areas of your life and yourself, where you can address old wounds and emotional beliefs that no longer serve you.  By doing this, you're given the opportunity for growth and healing.

If you don't grow, there's a risk any relationship will eventually end. When someone isn't able to move beyond past emotional hurts, resentment builds up.  This resentment, over time, erodes any relationship.  As a means to endure, and as a survival mechanism, we tend to shut down our emotions.  But when you do, you also shut down your ability to feel joy and love as well.

Growth in Marriage = Growth in Self

All we grow up, we're presented with difficulties and challenges.  It's part of life and the maturation process. These difficulties cause us to make decisions about other people and life in general. The decisions are made in an effort to keep us safe.  "This person is safe.  That person is scary", etc.   As a species, we're meant to survive. These decisions help us know and identify situations or people who can be threatening to us.   We then go about trying to avoid future encounters with someone or something that represents a similar danger.

The problem with these decisions, is they're usually made at a young age - before we have the ability to apply logical thinking. Logical thinking hasn't developed at an early age.  When we're young, the brain is functioning in "survival mode"  So something that appears scary to a 3 yr old, wouldn't necessarily bother an adult.  Unfortunately, fear goes very deeply into the brain and the decision-making process.  It represents a true danger to survival.  As we mature, this deep fear doesn't go away.  It's buried in the subconscious mind until a similar situation arises.  This is what's referred to as "being triggered".  It doesn't have to be something that's equally as frightening.  It just has to be something similar in nature.  When this happens, the old feelings of terror emerge and the person reacts to the present situation as if it's the original one.

As you go through life, you can be hurt, emotionally by another person. All of these little hurts and encounters are recorded in your subconscious.  When someone you're in a relationship with does something that represents one of these past dangers or hurts, the past memory is activated, unconsciously, and you can react - not always appropriate to the situation.  The other person has "pushed your buttons".

When this happens, our reaction many times is much more intense than the situation calls for. But what can you do about it?  Are you stuck with an instinctual "knee jerk" reaction?  One that possibly can do damage to your current relationship?  Or do you have a choice?

The answer is "yes, you do have a choice".  You can choose to examine whether or not your reaction was appropriate to the situation.  You can choose to not let your reaction cause damage to the marriage or relationship.  You can also pull your partner aside, in a calmer moment and ask them to share their experience of what happened.  You can gain enormous insights into how you react from another person's perspective.

Once you have these insights, you can go to work on examining and healing any past events or beliefs that get in the way of maintaining love and security within, not only your marriage, but within yourself.

While not always easy, it will benefit not only you in the growth you achieve, but also all of the relationships in your life.  When you  do the work of letting go of past hurts, fears, and upsets, you'll feel an amazing sense of calm in your life.  The growth in yourself, as well as the growth in your marriage is the reward.

Surrender to the process

When you stop to see how disagreements in any of your relationships are an opportunity to see something from another perspective and to examine whether or not there are past hurts you'd like to let go of - once and for all, it becomes easier to surrender to the process. When you do, you welcome in growth, happiness, and a sense of calm to your life. 

For an excellent book on understanding and learning to successfully navigate through your romantic relationships, check out: Be Loved For Who You Really Are  The book covers all of the stages of love, from Stage 1, falling in love, through the more challenging aspects.  The authors discuss ways to navigate through them and arrive at Stage 4, which is the same level of joy and excitement you had during the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship, except now you have a broader sense of acceptance and maturity, and are able to stay in the "honeymoon" phase. 

To your happiness......Sumi

Book a complimentary call to learn about letting go of the blocks that stand in your way.

Contact Info:
sumi@sumijones.com 
(805) 265-9063
Santa Barbara, CA 93101

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Change Your Mind To Change Your Life

You underlying beliefs run your life 

The biggest block that stands in the way of you receiving what you want, are your beliefs.  These are what drive all of your actions.  

They’ve been called Limiting Beliefs and Negative Beliefs.  But all they are, in their simplest form, are the beliefs your mind came up with as a way to make sense of the world and all that you’ve experienced.  

If you want change, change the beliefs that don’t support you

This might sound overly simple, but it’s true.  Once you change how you view life, situations, yourself, or the world, your entire life will change.  Simple, yet not always easy.  However, it is doable!  And you can do it in a methodical way.

Your mind is only doing its job to keep you safe

Listen, this isn’t a diabolical plot to hold you back.  Our bodies and our minds are geared towards helping us - not hurting us or holding us back.  We are completely geared towards survival, so any belief we came up with was done as a way to make sense of the world and to just survive.  

But here’s the catch.  When our minds came up with the most basic, or core beliefs that we hold, they were made at a time when our brains were still quite immature.  The logical part of our brain, which would tell us that the shadow in the corner isn’t a scary monster, but actually our jacket  hanging on the chair, wasn’t developed or available to us in our early years. 

Because of this, the decisions we made, (and consequent the beliefs we came up with), aren’t always valuable or even true in our adult lives.  They were valid then, in their own way, but they can get in the way in your current life.

What you can do to create change

So, what can you do?  You can start by finding out what your key, driving beliefs are. They aren’t always obvious, but are strongly held in your subconscious - and they are “running the show”.  Some of these beliefs are, “Play it safe”, “Don’t stick out or shine”, “Be careful, you might fail”.   They tell you to stay safe because this is what they're designed to do.  It's their job.  

Except, if what you want is a full and fulfilling life, one filled with joy and success, you need to examine whether or not these beliefs are helping you, or hindering you. If they fall into the latter category, it’s time to let them go.

How to examine the beliefs that get in your way

There are several ways to discover what your beliefs are.  To begin the process, take some time to sit and think through the following questions. And as you do, it’s helpful to write down any insights or memories that come up.  These are roadways into what your beliefs are, or could be.  It’s a journey and a very informational one that gives you the insights you need.

1. Ask yourself what the phrases or statements you heard your parents, family, or friends say as you were growing up.  This has a real impact on how you view the world. You’d be surprised at how much these statements can take hold and even become a part of your identity.  If you think about it, it makes sense.  As children we naturally trust our caregivers and those around us to show us the way, and to take care of us.  With our parents in this position, we believe everything we're told or shown.

But here’s the hitch.  Your parents or caregivers are repeating what they heard or learned from their parents.  Many times people don’t examine what they’re told and just go along with it as if it’s gospel.  But this isn’t always the case.  In fact, most times it’s not.  They repeated these statements as a way to help you because it's what they believed.  But not all of those statements empower you or encourage you to be your best self. 

2.  What experiences did you have growing up?  Were they challenging or traumatic?  If they were, then your view of the world could be, “Life is difficult”, “The world isn’t safe”, “Other people aren’t safe”, just to name a few. 

Your experiences shape your life 

What you’ve lived through has shaped your life and how you express yourself in it.  Our experiences actually change how each of our brain develops, and continues to develop.  Studies on the brain by Niall Duncan showed how the brain is affected by adverse childhood experiences.  

As stated in an article in The US Library of Medicine, National Institutes of health, "Research in humans and animals has shown that negative childhood experiences (NCE) can have long-term effects on the structure and function of the brain. Alterations have been noted in grey and white matter, in the brain’s resting state, on the glutamatergic system, and on neural and behavioural responses to aversive stimuli."   

The study and implementation of Neuroplasticity now shows how our brains can be changed and rewired in positive ways. 

Change your view of life 

Instead of viewing your experiences as negative, which many of them might have been, try viewing them from a position that empowers you.  Look at them as,  “How can I move past this, let it go, and learn something valuable from it?”  Because everything you’ve gone through has brought you to where you are today.  And because of this, you have a unique understanding of something another person wouldn’t have.  You can actually use this understanding to help others, or even to just help yourself by holding more compassion for yourself.  But it does tend to give you a deeper appreciation of what other people are struggling with.  When you go through a difficult challenge, it helps you to hold compassion for other people who are also struggling.  It makes you more human.

3. What “examples” did you see growing up?  What did the people in your life do, feel about certain things, or how did they express themselves?  As you grow up, your brain learns by example and by viewing others. All of this, even when unspoken, also has impact on how we view life and the world in general.  

4. Another way to find out what beliefs are running in the background of your life, is to stand back and look at your life. 

• Is your life easy? 
• Do you struggle with money, relationships, or confidence? 
• Do things come to you easily, or do you find that everything is an uphill battle? 
• What is present in your life is formed by your internal beliefs.

Objectively looking at your life will give you valuable clues to what you might want to change or keep.  They're all indications of what your subconscious mind believes.  The good news here though, is that you can change what you believe, and consequently, vastly impact your life in positive ways. 

Release the beliefs that no longer serve you

Once you’ve written down any memories, events, or statements from your past, you can then start to examine what your limiting beliefs might be.  You might know some of them right off the bat.  But, if you don’t, ask yourself, “What might be the belief be that I came away with from this.......(example, experience, or statement)?  

For instance, if your parents struggled with money, some normal, common beliefs would be:

• Money is hard to come by
• Life is a struggle
• I never have enough for what I need
• You have to work hard to make money
• I’m not worthy

These are just a few examples of beliefs that would be tied to a similar home situation.  Each person is individual in what their particular mind comes up with.  What your mind creates won’t be the exact same as another person, so honor whatever it is you feel or discover.  This is important because it’s truly honoring and respecting who you are and what you need to look at in order to make improvements in your life.  

The more precise you can be, the better because then you have a better understanding of what drives you.  This is a fascinating process, and it doesn’t have to be challenging.  The best way to do this is to find techniques which support the process in being simple and easy.  You don’t need to struggle or suffer in order to create great change in your life.  I feel fortunate that I’ve been able to learn ways which help create change in simpler, easier ways.  There are numerous techniques that anyone can learn and use, either with a professional or on their own.  

When you support yourself by approaching your beliefs in this way, change is inspiring - not scary or challenging. 

The final step - Create new positive beliefs 

When you know what the limiting beliefs are, you have the information to change them to more positive and empowering beliefs.  A belief such as, "Life is a struggle" could be changed to "My life is effortless and I move through the world with ease". 

The sky's the limit with what you can create in your life.  Be daring, experiment, and then do the work to come into full alignment with your new, positive beliefs.  

If you're having trouble with any of the above steps, I offer a 20-minute free consultation to discuss any changes you'd like to make or goals you want to reach.  Having an outside perspective helps give you a clearer view of what steps to take, or blocks your success.

Contact Info:
sumi@sumijones.com 
(805) 265-9063

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Balance In Relationships

To have harmony and ultimately happiness, it's important to have balance in relationships.  All of your relationships.  Whether it's friendships, marriages, or even work relationships, balance is important.

Balance in Relationships

Many people don't think about balance.  It's not always something that comes naturally.  Because the human brain is designed to be efficient, it makes decisions about whatever we experience.  These can be  events, people, relationships, really anything.  The brain then places these into categories.  This is true of objects, people, or relationships. Once the brain has made this decision, it goes about relating to the person, object, etc, in the same manner each time.  It's meant as a way to simplify life.  So, why is this a problem?

How the Brain Can Undermine The Balance in Relationships

How does this relate to balance?  Because the brain is being efficient, it  has a set way of viewing things.  Once your brain has categorized a relationship, it takes a lot to change this opinion.  It takes effort to consciously change how you view a certain relationship and the balance within it.  It's much easier to have placed the object, relationship, etc into a category and then relate to it in the same manner each time.  It's more efficient.  But it can take a toll on you or your interactions with people.

How does efficiency impact a friendship?

How this impacts relationships is,  if you have a friend who always seems to have problems or disasters in their life and you rush in to help out - lending emotional support or any other kind of support, their brain categorizes you as "the helper, saver, or person to turn to, in disasters."  They can unconsciously view you as the person they go to when they have a problem.  If they aren't  aware of the brain's tendency to categorize, they view you in only one way - the receive, you give.  The relationship then becomes unbalanced. Whenever you need support, they don't seem to be there.  They might not step in to help.  It's as if they have blinders on and can't comprehend your need for support or help.

This type of relating can happen on either end.  In some instances, you might be the helper, and in other relationships, you might find you lean on someone you know.  While it's great to have emotional support, it needs to be done in balanced ways.

Generally speaking though, people tend to stay in the same category with all of their relationships.  If you tend to be "the giver", then you're most likely "the giver" in all your relationships - from work to home.  You generally give to everyone you know.

But this takes a toll on you.  You don't receive the support or nurturing that's important to everyone.  While giving is an honorable thing to do, it isn’t fair if that's all you do.  It isn’t fair to you, and ultimately, it isn't actually fair to the other person.  When you act in a balanced way and expect others to do the same, you're giving them the opportunity to grow as a person.  To relate to you in a fair and balanced way.  The relationship only grows stronger because of it.  If not, resentments build and the relationship begins to deteriorate.

When you're able to give as well as receive, you feel more balanced.  It gives you a feeling of completeness because you're acting in a way which is more holistic to the human emotions.

You Have a Choice 

The good news is, now that you know how our brains function, you can make a conscious decision about all of your relationships.  You have a choice.  You can make the choice to have balanced relationships in all areas of your life. Not only will you feel much better and lightweight, but you'll also feel personally empowered.  Your relationships will grow and thrive. 

Change Isn't Always Easy - For both sides

You might've decided to go ahead and make changes.  However, some people might resist this change.  Remember, our brains like to be efficient.  They're just doing the job they were created to do.  But when you decide to change course, even when it's for the better, you'll be rocking the boat - even a little.  It can come as a surprise to other people.  They've been relating to you in a certain light and now suddenly you've changed.  They might not all react in a positive way.

That's okay.  Do it anyway.  You can do it gently, but firmly.  By doing this, you're empowering them to be better and happier people - with healthier, more balanced interactions.  You're giving them the opportunity to participate in  healthy, alive, and thriving relationships.  When you demonstrate  balance in your relationships, you're giving a powerful example.  They then have the choice to participate in the same way. 

As Mahatma Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world."  Lead by example. Dare to take the first step in your happiness and the happiness in all of your relationships. 

To discover ways in which you can create balance in your life contact me to book a complimentary call.  We'll discuss how I can be of service to you.

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

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